Stop the Madness

There are few things in life that really enrage me. One is when people turn on their turn signal only after the light has changed and I am stuck behind them. The other is when someone on HGTV decides to renovate a perfectly good bathroom. “Look at this atrocious 1950s bathroom,” the designer says, “We’ll get rid of that turquoise bathtub and make a relaxing spa retreat.” I want to go through the television with a baseball bat and knock some sense into them. First, the turquoise fixtures are impossible to find now. The sea-foam tile is built to last during an atomic war. The bathroom is efficient and stylish. Second, why does everyone want a “spa retreat” in his or her bathroom? I like to use my bathroom for hygiene and then leave. I don’t want to linger, light candles, stare at the wall, and soak in filthy bath water. It’s just plain disgusting.

I am guilty of the crime of renovating a pink mid-century bathrooms. I will, no doubt, be run over by the karma train for this. I tried valiantly to save the bathrooms. But, the fixtures had been replaced and didn’t match the tile. The bidet was odd and not needed, and the flowers on the tile pushed it over the edge from mid-century sweet into sickening old age home. The tile that ran up the wall to the 6-foot level also left the impression of being in a Frances Farmer insane asylum hosing down room.

I did my best. I found style appropriate sinks and faucets at Waterworks. I used plain white square tile, as opposed to something hip like glass pebbles. And I put in a terrazzo floor that might have been chosen in 1953. This should not be taken to be an absolution by the renovation people on HGTV. I am begging you to please stop destroying the national treasures of pastel bathrooms and replace them with faux Asian bamboo retreats.