How to Have Sex

As you know, I am not allowed to give advice to my niece or nephew. My tips on being popular that I gave to Izabelle were not welcomed. Who knew that it was not a good idea to tell a 12 year old how to be mean to the other popular girl in school? Now that my nephew, Chance, is reaching adolescence, I’ve been pestering my brother and sister-in-law to sit him down and scare the hell out of him about sex. I know he’ll knock up a 6th grader and end up working as a gas station jockey unless he has all the facts. I suggested that they build a closet and force him into it if he has lustful thoughts, but this is no longer acceptable with today’s liberal parenting.

So I found a manual for him. I think it’s very fair and helpful. It could be a little more dramatic and explain that you will go crazy if you masturbate, or that you can catch evil, blistering diseases if you kiss, but I’ll leave that to the parents. I also found a wonderful sex education manual for young women from the early 1960s. This one may go a little too far. Somehow, this advice seems off: “Should your husband suggest any of the more unusual practices be obedient and uncomplaining, but register any reluctance by remaining silent.”